


Talk to you with my hands tied

by Alidravana



Series: Hurts Like Hell [7]
Category: SEAL Team (TV)
Genre: F/M, FebuWhump2021, Healthy Relationships, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, febuwhumpday10, febuwhumpday8
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-16 14:47:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29334042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alidravana/pseuds/Alidravana
Summary: Day 10 (“I'm sorry.  I didn't know") (Chapter 1) and Day 8 (“hey, hey, this is no time to sleep") (Chapter 2) Prompts for FebuWhump 2021.Clay shares some of his secrets to help out a friend.  And then he finally confides in Trent about his past.Reference is made to events occurring in "Things that Go Bump in the Night" and "Monsters Under the Bed". Please read warnings and tags carefully. Childhood trauma, sexual abuse, and rape implied/or happened off screen.
Relationships: Trent Sawyer/Clay Spenser
Series: Hurts Like Hell [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2140548
Comments: 12
Kudos: 55
Collections: febuwhump 2021





	1. Talk to you with my hands tied

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the song lyrics of 'Let Me Go' by NF.

Blackburn shook his head, looking at the exhausted men in front of him. The countdown timer flashed bright red, showing that the team was five minutes late in completing the objective. Brock wasn’t even bothering to stand up any more, having slid down a nearby wall to sit next to Pepper. Sonny was so tired that he wasn’t even bitching about being tired, which was odd for the normally loud-mouthed Texan. The rest of the team just stood there, taking a few sips of water and waiting for a lecture from their commander.

Blackburn threw up his hands in defeat. Bravo Team had run this drill at least ten times, with various configurations and entry points and were unable to make it to the hostages in time. “Well, guys, I think we’ve run this course enough times to prove that this mission can’t be done within these parameters. I’ll toss it back to upstairs and let you know when we’ve figured something out.” He wrinkled his nose. “Now all of you, go hit the showers.”

No one was arguing with that order. Bravo Team slowly made their way to the showers and as the team members started trickling back to the cages, Jason’s phone started to ring. Purely by habit, all the other team members looked at their phones as well, surprised to not see a similar call. 

“Hayes?” Jason answered his phone. “What? When?” Clay could hear him demand into the phone. Jason sounded concerned, which wasn’t a normal reaction for their leader. “Okay, I can be there in twenty.” He replied and hung up the call.

“Jace, what’s wrong?” Trent asked, having shared a concerned look with Clay during the call.

“It’s Emma,” Jason said, grabbing his wallet, keys, and hat. “She’s been admitted to County General Hospital. They won’t tell me what happened over the phone.” He started to head for the door, intending on driving over there immediately. 

Clay stepped in front of Bravo 1 and put his hand out for his keys. “I’ll drive,” Clay said, not willing to let his team leader get into an accident. “And I’ll come along, see what I can find out from the medical staff," Trent added. Jason looked at the pair and nodded reluctantly. He ordered Ray to update Blackburn and told the rest of the team to sit tight, and then they headed out.

XXXXX

Clay sat in a surprisingly comfortable seat, for a hospital anyways, and watched as Trent paced up and down the hallway. Jason was in with his daughter and talking to the medical team. Clay knew that Trent hated being in the waiting position. “Trent, why don’t you sit down for a few minutes?” Clay suggested, shifting over and making room for his partner. 

Trent sighed and squeezed in next to Clay. Clay placed his hand on Trent's thigh and gave a reassuring squeeze. "Jason will give us an update when he's ready. Until then, all we can do is wait."

Trent nodded and placed his hand on top of Clay's. "Thanks," Trent said simply, glad that his boyfriend was next to him safe and sound. The last time they were in this hospital, Clay had to have surgery to stop the internal bleeding caused by a car accident. He'd hated this hospital ever since. 

Clay and Trent jumped apart at the sound of Jason coming back down the hall.

"She's saying she was mugged," Jason said, looking like he wanted to either punch a wall or start crying, the former being a usual Jason reaction and the latter most definitely not. "Doctor says she has a fracture in her right wrist, which they've casted, and general bruising and cuts." He shifted his weight, rubbing his beard, his eyes going back and forth between the two men. "But they're concerned that she might have been…." Jason paused, his voice faltering at the thought of his little girl being hurt that way. He couldn't even finish his sentence before he collapsed on a chair with his head in his hands.

Damn it, Clay thought as he looked at their team leader fall apart. He clenched his fists, feeling like punching something in anger. 

Trent went over and clasped Jason's shoulder. "Will she talk to someone?" Trent asked, also able to read between the lines of what Jason was unable to say. Jason shook his head no in response.

After a long period of silence as the men tried to take in what had happened, Clay finally spoke up. "Let me go in and see if she'll talk to me." He unclenched his fists and took a few deep breaths. He really didn't want to do this, but he felt he had a perspective that neither Jason nor Trent had.

At Jason's confused nod and Trent's worried one, he entered Emma's hospital room. "Hey Emma," Clay said gently, stopping a few metres from her bed. "Is it okay if I sit here?" He asked, setting his hand on the back of a nearby chair.

Emma nodded quietly and looked back down at her sheets. Her bright pink cast stood out against the plain white sheets while bruises were scattered across her pale face. Her quiet, subdued behavior was a stark contrast to the normally cheerful young woman.

"Thanks Emma," Clay replied and sat down carefully, trying to keep his movements slow and predictable. Looking down at his hands, he took a couple moments before starting his speech. "I'm not here to ask you a bunch of questions, and whatever we do end up talking about is strictly between us. I'd like to share something with you, that I hope might help, if that's alright with you."

At Emma's relieved but timid nod, he continued. "Last year, a few weeks after Trent and I started dating," he glanced over and saw her slightly surprised expression, and then continued. "We had an incident. Trent didn't hurt me or do anything wrong, he just came up behind me suddenly and placed his arms around me." Clay remembers the incident clearly. "I'm not sure he even knows how much it scared me, because I acted surprised and jumped out of his arms so quickly, that I don't think he realized how much I was shaking."

Emma was looking a bit confused at where this was going, so he jumped right to the heart of the matter. "I was sexually abused by an older foster brother for several years when I was younger and raped once in college." Clay said quietly. "I've had a court mandated therapist for years, but it wasn't until I started attending group and talking to other survivors that things started to get better. That I could have a relationship with the man I love and not be scared of him." Clay smiled briefly at the thought of Trent.

Emma had covered her mouth in shock as Clay shared his abuse. She knew, rationally, that men could be sexually abused, but she never thought it would happen to someone like Clay. "I'm sorry, I didn't know," she said softly, not sure what else to say.

Clay acknowledged Emma's words but then braced himself for what he had to say next. "I guess what I'm trying to say Emma, is that if something happened, it's better to talk about it. I know how hard it is to do". Clay wiped his eyes and then cleared his throat. "I wanted you to know that I'm not bullshitting. I've been where you are right now. It fucking sucks. But there is no shame in being sexually assaulted, and no matter what anyone says, it wasn't your fault. It wasn't your fault and it wasn't my fault."

Emma was crying now in earnest, nodding her head in agreement. "Emma, would you like to talk to me some more or would you rather I send your dad or a nurse in?" Clay asked, hoping she would prefer to confide in someone else. He could feel his own composure slipping in the presence of Emma’s more recent trauma.

"My dad," Emma choked through her tears, pulling her knees up to her chest. 

Clay nodded and stood up to go get Jason. Before he left, he could hear Emma whisper a quiet thanks. Trent and Jason were both waiting outside the door, a few meters away to give them privacy. 

"Jason, she's ready to talk to you," Clay said, emotionally exhausted. Not caring what Jason thought or what anyone else thought for that matter, he then threw himself into Trent's arms and tucked his face against his partner's chest. Trent's arms instinctively tightened around him. The embrace of his two fellow team members didn't even register to Jason because as soon as Clay said his daughter wanted to see him he was on his way into her room. 

"Can we go home?" Clay asked, his voice muffled as he was still tucked into Trent's chest, not wanting to let go. 

"Yeah, babe, no problem." Trent replied, rubbing Clay's back. "I will just make a quick call to Ray to get someone over here for Jason and then we can head out, okay?" Trent had an uneasy feeling about what had happened in that conversation. 

Trent made his couple calls and the two of them headed out, Clay still clinging to him. He may not have known exactly what happened in that room, but he had his suspicions. And he was so proud of his partner.


	2. Walk towards you on a fine line

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 10 (“I'm sorry. I didn't know") (Chapter 1) and Day 8 (“hey, hey, this is no time to sleep") (Chapter 2) Prompts for FebuWhump 2021.
> 
> Clay shares some of his secrets to help out a friend. And then he finally confides in Trent about his past.
> 
> Reference is made to events occurring in "Things that Go Bump in the Night" and "Monsters Under the Bed". Please read warnings and tags carefully. Childhood trauma, sexual abuse, and rape implied/or happened off screen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from the song lyrics of 'Let Me Go' by NF.

"Hey, hey, this is no time to sleep," Clay said, lightly poking Trent in the side. 

Trent startled at the sudden noise breaking through the stillness that had settled over the living room. Clay hadn’t said anything since the hospital visit. The two of them had been sitting in silence for the last couple of hours. Clay had let Trent get comfortable on the couch but then burrowed into his side, his arms wrapped tight around his partner’s waist and his head laying on Trent’s chest. Trent had started to nod off until Clay poked him.

"I have something I need to tell you," Clay said and waited for Trent to confirm that he was listening. "The first night that I went to a sexual abuse support group, I was worried what other people would think." Clay said softly, his voice sounding slightly muffled as he was still tucked into Trent’s chest.

Clay cleared his throat and sat up a bit on the couch. He refused to let go of Trent though. Grabbing Trent’s left hand and squeezing it tightly, hoping that Trent’s presence would help give him confidence, Clay continued on with his story. “It’s not what you are thinking. I wasn’t scared that other attendees would think less of me for being assaulted. I was worried that I would be intimidating. That I would seem threatening to other survivors.”

Trent was silent. He had suspected that Clay had been sexually abused, but hearing the actual confirmation hurt. And then Clay being more concerned about hurting others than helping himself broke his heart. His partner wore his heart on his sleeve and this was just another example of what a caring person he was. Trent gave Clay’s hand a small squeeze, trying to say he was there for him without interrupting him. 

Clay nodded and pressed on. “I had bulked up a lot. I had started training to enlist and had packed on a lot of muscle. I got a lot of odd looks that first night, but as I continued to attend and listen to others’ stories, I realized that I actually helped out a lot of people inadvertently.” 

Clay’s left leg started bouncing, something that Trent had noticed that he did subconsciously when he was nervous. “Several of the other attendees blamed themselves for their abuse. That they had dressed too provocatively, that they didn’t say no loud enough, that they weren’t strong enough to stop their abuser. But then they saw me.” Clay bowed his head, tears running freely down his face. 

Trent felt his own tears start to fall as he watched his partner struggle through his story. He didn’t know what to do, what to say. So he kept his mouth shut and kept listening. Kept gripping Clay’s hand, to remind him that he was here.

“I had gotten too comfortable. Too cocky,” Clay said brokenly, trying to wipe away his tears with his free hand. “It had been years since my foster brother sexually assaulted me and I thought I finally had the strength to protect myself.” He paused as Emma’s words “I’m sorry, I didn’t know” echoed through his mind. And he remembered what he told her, it wasn’t her fault and it wasn’t his either. 

“No, that’s not right. It wasn’t my fault,” Clay repeated firmly. Sometimes he just needed to remind himself of that. “Someone slipped something in my drink at a college party and I woke up in a stranger's bed,” Clay trembled, the memories flooding through his head. He could remember the pain that cursed through his body and the embarrassment that followed when he tried to find his clothes and make his way to the hospital. He paused for a moment, trying to figure out how to soften the blow, but then figured at this point it didn’t matter. “I was raped. The hospital found at least two different strands of DNA.” Clay couldn’t look at Trent, he didn’t want to see any pity on his partner’s face. 

“I haven’t been in a serious relationship with a man since that night.” Clay confessed. “Not until you. No one else mattered until you.” He added honestly. “I’m sorry for everything that you’ve had to put up with me. I’m sorry that I couldn’t find the courage to tell you earlier." Clay was sobbing now, unable to look at Trent, not wanting to see the look of disgust that was likely on his face. He kept whispering that he was sorry as he wrapped his arms around himself and rocked back and forth.

Trent was in shock, matching tears streaming down his face. He had wanted to know the cause of Clay’s PTSD episodes, but this was so much worse than he expected. How dare someone hurt his partner this way? He wanted to scream, he wanted to yell, and then he wanted to punch something. But Trent knew that wouldn’t help Clay at all. 

Not knowing what else to do, he wrapped his arms around Clay. “I’m here,” Trent said quietly, resting his chin on Clay’s shoulder. “I’m not going anywhere. I love you, babe.” Trent was having trouble thinking how to phrase his next comment, but knew it had to be said. His partner was so brave and so strong to be able to share that story with him. “Thank you,” he finally decided on, leaving it at that. 

"You're not l-leaving?" Clay stuttered, confused at Trent's reaction. What was he saying thanks for anyways? Why did Trent say he still loved him after learning all that?

Trent shook his head. "I'm not going anywhere, Clay, unless you tell me otherwise." If Clay needed alone time, Trent would honor his wishes. Placing a hand on Clay's bouncing knee, Trent looked directly into Clay's eyes. "I don't think you realize how much you mean to me, Clay. But I'm going to work on showing you every day from here on out." Trent promised. No more self doubt. No more second guessing his ability to stay in a committed relationship. He was all in.

Clay believed him. He could find no disgust, no pity, no lies in Trent's expression or words. Despite the horrible day and his crappy past, Clay finally felt relief. He'd found someone who loved him unconditionally, even knowing all of his scars, the ones you could see and the ones you couldn't. Clay smiled, his grin lighting up his whole face. Reaching out to Trent, he pulled him in for a deep kiss, pouring all his heart into that one act. Seeing the smile returned by his partner, Clay knew that they would be alright.


End file.
